


5 times the hargreeves' didn't understand why dave was with klaus, plus the 1 time they did

by iamnotalizard



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Fluff, M/M, No Apocalypse, dave is a closeted dumbass, luther has Stupid Bitch Disease and its terminal :/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 22:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18600667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamnotalizard/pseuds/iamnotalizard
Summary: the 5 times the hargreeves siblings don't understand why a guy like dave is with klaus, plus the one time that they door:dave is a closeted dumbass





	5 times the hargreeves' didn't understand why dave was with klaus, plus the 1 time they did

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. im not jewish but dave is and i tried to mention his jewish-ness but if i wrote anything offensive or wrong let me know and i'll fix it
> 
> 2\. lesbuchanan on tumblr (and ao3) is a God, and their hc's about Dumbass Dave literally fueled this entire fic so... yeah. also read their fic Who You Gonna Call (https://archiveofourown.org/works/18371999) it's good

_-5: Luther_

 

It’s not that people never expected Klaus to date someone, like really date someone. It isn’t even that they were shocked that Klaus was dating a man. Hell, if Klaus wasn’t dating a man, that’d be more surprising. It’s just with how he behaves and his history, everyone expected whoever Klaus was dating to be, well.

A little fucked up.

When Klaus tells everyone that he would be bringing his boyfriend to their monthly family brunch, everyone braced for the worst. Allison leaves her wallet at home, Diego keeps his knives on him, Vanya takes extra puffs of her inhaler, Grace gives Five a stern talking to about being polite to guests, and Luther goes through the list of ‘ _Things Not To Say_ ’ that Diego and Ben made him a few days before.

So when Klaus throws open the door to the house and strutted inside, twirling around and calling out, “Hello, mi familia!” everyone cranes their necks to see the man who followed, and the shock of seeing a handsome man who looked, well, normal, almost stuns them into silence.

It was almost comical, the clash in appearance between the two. While Klaus was wearing a denim vest over what looked to be a silk nightdress and yoga pants with flip flops, the man who stood slightly behind him had on a pair of good fitting jeans, a dark blue button-up shirt, the top two buttons undone, a leather jacket and combat boots that looked well worn but not neglected. The man’s hair was curly but neat, whereas Klaus’s curls were messy and unkempt. His face was clean shaven and bare and Klaus still had smudges of eyeliner that could have been applied yesterday, last week, or maybe even last month.

“So this is Dave,” Klaus says said, motioning towards the man. Dave smiled and everyone noted with approval that he didn’t seem to be missing any teeth. “My boyfriend!”

After perhaps a moment too long of silence, Grace clears her throat and says, “Hello, Dave, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Would you like to sit down? Brunch will be ready in about ten minutes, and coffee is on the table.”

When they go to sit down, Dave continues to surprise them by pulling the chair out of Klaus and pushing him in, before taking his own seat.

After a brief introduction, they try to have a normal conversation but every piece of information that Dave reveals about himself only confuses everyone more.

He’s a social data analyst for a marketing company, he has a master degree, he speaks two languages, he’s the youngest of four kids and he gets along with all of them, he’s from Palo Alto, and in his spare time he likes to travel, go on hikes, practice calligraphy, and paint.

Nearly every part of Dave seems to be fundamentally at odds with Klaus, as someone who never had a real job, never went to college after he almost flunked out of high school, who didn’t speak to any siblings besides Ben for a few years, and who never really dedicates enough time to get a hobby, despite having nothing but free time.

The real kicker is when Grace brings out food - Dave offering to help before even Diego could pipe up - and everyone starts loading up their plates.

Dave helps dish out food to Klaus, who sighs dreamily when Dave has to reach across him to grab orange juice for him. But when Klaus reaches for bacon to put on Dave’s plate, Dave says, “No, thank you, baby.”

“Oh, not hungry?” Klaus asks, looking concerned.

“No, it’s just that it’s pork.” Dave says, scooping some scrambled eggs into his mouth.

Klaus makes an ‘ohh’ noise, before nodding, which doesn’t help anyone else understand.

“Are you on a diet or something?” Luther asks, trying his hand at small talk. It makes sense, kinda. Dave seems to be in pretty good shape. When he took his leather jacket off and draped it on the back of the chair, Luther could see the fabric of his shirt stretch over his biceps.

“No, I just don’t eat pork.” Dave says, smiling patiently, “It’s not kosher."

And Luther knows he should leave it at that, but nowhere on Things Not To Say List did Diego or Ben ever anticipate Klaus bringing home a religious person.

“You’re Jewish?” Luther asks, and maybe his tone his a bit too surprised, or confused, or maybe just loud because instantly Klaus’s head shoots up and he glares at Luther, shaking his head.

Dave, for his part, seems slightly unnerved by the question but politely says, “Yes.”

“And you’re dating Klaus?”

“Yes.” Dave smiles as if being reminded of the fact brings him great joy.

“Doesn’t being around Klaus make you a sinner, like, by proxy?”

It says something about how bad the question is because even Five’s mouth drops in disbelief at what Luther has said. Dave just blinks, unable to think of how to respond, while Klaus loudly pushes his chair back.

“I can’t believe you sometimes.” Klaus practically hisses, “Why would you ask something like that? You know what, it doesn’t matter, we’re leaving.”

And at those words Dave stands up, grabs his jacket and follows Klaus out, not before turning and saying, “Thank you for cooking, Grace, it was nice to meet you.”

Once they hear the front door slam, they turn to Luther and glare.

“Why would you say that?” Allison asks. “That was so mean towards Klaus, and probably offensive to Dave!”

“It’s a valid question!” Luther insists. “Klaus and the religious have never gotten along before!”

And maybe that is a valid point, one to tack onto the growing list of reasons why no one can understand why Dave is with Klaus. Because as much as they all love their brother, they know how much of a mess he is better than anyone else. And Dave, well, Dave seems so put together, with his good family, and high paying job, and post-secondary education, and Luther would wager that Dave has a good apartment, in a nice part of town, and with those facts alone it’s hard to imagine Klaus fitting in. When they add in the fact that Dave is religious, even to a minimal extent, it seems almost impossible.

Still, they berate Luther until he relents and sends a heartfelt, apologetic text to Klaus, and extends it by apologizing to Dave.

Klaus responds with a text that says, “fuk u”, but when Diego texts him about a makeup brunch a week later, Klaus says he’ll come and Dave wants to come again too.

 

_-4: Ben_

 

Out of all of the Hargreeve’s siblings, Ben has the best relationship with Klaus. When they were kids they used to be glued at the hip, always trailing behind one another, always getting in trouble because of a dare that the other had said. Out of all their siblings, Ben should be the one who understands how Klaus started dating Dave.

He doesn’t.

By all accounts, Dave is the type of guy who used to call the cops on Klaus when he fell asleep on a public bench. He has the kind of ‘upstanding citizen’ vibe that Klaus always seemed to repulse.

So Ben was more than a little surprised when a month after the fabled family brunch, Klaus invites him over for lunch and sends him an address to an apartment that’s in a part of town much nicer than any of Klaus’s previous residences.

The apartment building is modern and looks expensive. The elevator works, and the hallway carpets all look clean. When Klaus opens the door for Ben, even from the doorway he can see that the apartment has a nice view.

Ben takes his shoes off, and Klaus is already prattling away about something, hands moving through the air rapidly.

Half of the apartment looks rather normal, clean surfaces, tasteful yet unique decorations on the walls, minimalist bookshelves in the living room to house some plain looking books. The walls are a pale grey.

The other half looks like, well, it looks like Klaus happened. There are strange articles of clothing thrown over the modern looking sofa. An old floral armchair sits out of place in the living room. There’s a beaded curtain hanging in front of the doorway to the bedroom, and hanging crooked on the walls are canvases with random splashes on colour, some still dripping paint onto the wooden floor.

Ben makes the assumption that Klaus just moved himself in, and decides not to comment on it.

Finally, he tunes into the conversation that, until this point, Klaus has been having with himself. He finds out that Dave is at work - since it is noon on a Wednesday - and that Klaus is cooking chicken to make quesadillas.

It’s towards the end of the meal that Klaus says, “Dave is helping me find a job.”

“Oh?” Ben says, mouth full of chicken and bell peppers.

“Yeah, he’s teaching me how to make resumes and how to fill out applications and how to send them out and stuff.” Klaus smiles, a bit bashfully.

“Do you know what you want to do?” Ben asks. Klaus hasn’t had a path or a goal in life since he was eleven and wanted to be either a princess or a mime.

Klaus shrugs. “Not really, but Dave says I can try different things out until I find something I like or something I’m good at.”

And then he’s off talking about how he applied to Hot Topic, and wouldn’t _it be funny if I worked in Hot Topic, Ben?_

And Ben nods along and laughs, but mostly he’s wondering what’s Dave’s angle. Other men that Klaus has ‘dated’ either wanted him to go out, get a job no matter what and pay bills, or they wanted to keep Klaus at home as their own little kept boy. At first glance, Ben assumed that Dave was the latter; a well-off man who wanted Klaus around to be eye candy and to be fun, until he got bored or found someone more respectable. But instead, he’s encouraging Klaus to get a job - not one that just pays the bills, but one that Klaus likes - and is actively trying to help him.

It throws Ben for a bit of a loop. He wonders again what’s Dave’s angle in all of this, and more importantly, how did Klaus manage to rope him in.

He doesn’t ask, instead, he just smiles and laughs with Klaus, and hopes that it all works out okay.

 

_-3: Five_

 

It is Five’s considered opinion that Klaus’s taste in men is poor. More than once Five has run into some of Klaus’s… less desirable partners in the early morning, as they tried to leave Klaus’s room, or sometimes on the street as he’s walking through town (often they’re too strung out to recognize Five, which he’s more thankful for than repulsed by). 

In general, Klaus’s taste in men seems to be those who are aggressive, self-centered, uneducated, mean, and, often, heavily intoxicated. Five really doesn’t want to know where Klaus found all of his previous partners.

Despite meeting Dave a few times with his family present, and him seeming the picture of chivalry, Five is still wary of him.

Dave is sitting on a sofa in the mansion, Klaus on his lap, both of them watching a tv show when Five stomps into the living room and flops on the opposite couch with a groan.

“Aw, did mom finally shut down your evil lair?” Klaus asks, and Dave snickers a bit into his shoulder.

“Shut up.” Five says though the sofa cushion makes it come out as a grumble. He rolls over. “That stupid receptionist made a mistake, so instead of going in for my fitting at four o’clock on Sunday, I have to go in at two o’clock on Wednesday, and mom isn’t able to pick me up, and Diego and Allison are both busy, so I have to bus all the way there from school, and it’s going to take me, like, an hour.”

Klaus gasps and says, “Oh, the tragedy of it all!”

Dave looks over at the annoyed teenager.

“What’s the fitting for?”

“My eye.” Five says, poking at his left eye without flinching and moving it around a bit. “My prosthetic is loose now, so I have to go in to get a new eye fitted.”

Dave makes an “Oh.” sound, and Five is already waiting for him to ask, ‘how did you lose your eye?’ if nothing else so he can snap at him.

“Do you want me to drive you?”

“It’s none of- what?” Five asks, eyebrows furrowing.

“Do you want me to drive you?” Dave repeats, “It sounds like it’ll be a hassle for you to bus, and I can’t promise I’ll be able to drive you home or to school after, but I can probably drive you there.”

Five blinks a few times. “Are you sure?”

Dave shrugs, jostling Klaus a bit. “Yeah, I’ll just go in early or stay a bit late at work and take a long lunch or something. It won’t be a problem.”

Five agrees, and Klaus says, “Aw, my little bro and my beau are bonding.” before kissing Dave’s cheek.

If that doesn’t aid in bettering Five’s opinion of Dave, the fact that when he picks Five up from school on Wednesday and hands him a cup of coffee does. It doesn’t even matter that it’s Starbucks.

As the doctor is poking around Five’s eye socket with gloved fingers, Five’s mind wanders and he wonders how did Klaus’s taste in men get so good all of a sudden.

 

_-2: Allison_

 

Allison is perusing the dresses in the department store when she hears a familiar laugh. She looks up and is surprised to see Klaus bouncing up and down the aisles, an amused Dave following closely behind, arms full of different garments.

She waves and catches Klaus’ eye.

“Hey, Allison!” He says, maybe a bit too loudly for the store’s atmosphere. He walks over and gives her a hug. “What’s going on?”

“Not much, just looking around.” She eyes the pile in Dave’s arms. “What about you?”

Klaus - ever the dramatic - flings his arms around Dave. “My three-month probation has ended, so my darling, dear Dave is buying me a gift to celebrate!”

Allison's eyes widen. “Your what?!”

“My probation,” Klaus repeats, “at work.”

For a few seconds, Allison just stares. “You have a job?”

Klaus nods his head excitedly. “Yeah! I work as a receptionist for this yoga place. Dave knows the lady who owns it and helped me get it.”

“All I did was give her a call and asked if she was hiring, you got the job all by yourself,” Dave argues, looking at Klaus lovingly.

Allison congratulates Klaus, and the three of them look around the floor for a little bit, before Klaus goes to the changing room to try on the mountain of clothes that Dave was carrying. After a few moments of silence, Allison turns to Dave.

“Listen, Dave, I just wanted to say thank you for helping Klaus,” She sees Dave open his mouth to interrupt, but she presses on, “and I’m really happy that you and him seem to be getting on, but, well, don’t let him take advantage of you like this.”

Dave furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean ‘take advantage of me’?”

She motions to the fitting room. “Buying him all these things, getting him jobs, Ben told me that you’re pretty much living together now.”

Dave looks at her with a confused and vaguely insulted face. “We live together because we like spending time together. He got his own job, all I did was call my friend and ask if she was hiring. I didn’t even tell her Klaus’s name. I’m buying him gifts because I love him and he’s been working hard.”

Allison is about to respond, but this time Dave interrupts her. “You should think better of Klaus.”

At that, Allison is almost stunned into silence. She opens her mouth a few times to try and formulate a sentence, but nothing comes out. Instead, she just looks ahead.

After a few minutes, Klaus steps out of the fitting room, twirling and showing off one of the outfits that he and Dave picked out.

“You look gorgeous, baby,” Dave says, voice laced with love and affection. “Do another spin!”

And as Allison watches Klaus spin himself dizzy at Dave’s encouragements, she wonders what Klaus did to meet a guy like Dave.

 

_-1: Vanya_

 

It’s Vanya’s turn to host the bi-monthly family dinner, and it’s always a tight squeeze around her dining room table.

Most of her siblings are already on their way to being pleasantly drunk, with Klaus already there. He’s told her that he’s cut out the harder things that he was addicted to, and has cut down on the less serious ones like weed and alcohol. For that alone, she decides not to comment on how he’s already drunk an entire bottle of wine by himself.

She goes to pour some more white wine into Dave’s glass when he puts his hand over the top and says, “No, thank you, Vanya. One’s enough for me for tonight.”

Vanya almost startles at that response. “Oh, uh, want some water then?”

Dave smiles and says yes please, so Vanya goes to the kitchen and gets a glass of water, wondering, _Seriously. How the hell is this guy with Klaus?_

 

_+1: Diego_

 

He’s at a bar with Patch and some of her police buddies when they see a kerfuffle across the room. It doesn’t seem to be a fight, but they still peer over, trying to see what the commotion is.

They see a man stumble as he tries to stand up off the floor, apologizing to the people he tripped over. Diego squints and lets out a surprised sound when he recognizes the man, despite his dishevelled appearance.

It’s Dave.

Ignoring the confused glances of Patch’s colleagues, Diego walks over to the clearly drunk man.

“Hey, Dave,” Diego says, causing Dave to look up. For a second he squints, confused before a wide smile breaks out on his face.

“Diego! Hi! Wow, hi, Diego,” he stumbles forward a bit to meet him. “What’s poppin’, my guy?”

“Are you good?” Diego asks, ignoring Dave’s slurred question.

“Oh, yeah, man, I’m fucking great! I’m just super drunk.” Dave laughs, and Diego sighs, starting to lead him back to where Patch is looking at them, strangely.

“Who’s your friend?” One of Patch’s friends asks. Diego stumbles a bit under Dave’s weight.

“This is Dave-” Diego starts, but before he can finish Dave chimes in.

“I’m fucking his brother.” He snorts as Diego looks at him in horror, but after a second, Dave’s face gets very serious. “Wait, Diego, are you just finding out now? Klaus is like.. Super gay, dude. We’re both super gay.”

“I know you’re both gay.” Diego snaps, trying to grab his stuff from the bar. Patch’s friends are laughing maniacally, and despite her best efforts, Patch is too. “What are you even doing here, man?”

“Some of my friends from college are in town. Klaus didn’t want to come, but that’s fine, because one of my friends used to be my coke dealer, except I was super broke in college so I would just suck him off, and that’s a really hard relationship to explain.” Dave blinks a few times. “Actually, it’s not hard to explain, ‘cuz I just did it.”

It’s Diego’s turn to laugh as Patch’s friends fall silent. “I’m going to take you home, Dave.”

“Mkay, Diego,” Dave says, almost entirely leaning against him. With some difficulty, they get outside.

“Wait,” Dave says, pushing Diego away. For a second, Diego thinks he’s going to go back in because he forgot something, but instead he vomits on the sidewalk. He coughs a few times, before standing up again. “Okay, I’m good now.”

Diego gets Dave into the passenger seat of his car and wrestles his seatbelt on. It only takes a few minutes to get Dave to remember his address and some vague directions. When the car starts moving, Dave closes his eyes and leans against the window.

“Did you really do coke in college?” Diego asks, trying to keep Dave from falling asleep.

“Of course I did,” Dave mumbles. “Who doesn’t do coke in college?”

“I didn’t.”

“Yeah, well, you hang out with a bunch of narcs now, so I’m not surprised.”

Diego laughs at the seemingly uncharacteristic response. There’s a few moments of silence, and Diego can hear Dave sigh and slide further down the seat.

“So how did you meet Klaus?” Diego asks. Dave seems to instantly perk up at the sound of his boyfriend’s name. “I don’t think either of you have ever told us.”

“We meet in Vietnam,” Dave says, a dopey grin on his face. Diego furrows his eyebrows and takes a left turn.

“When were both of you in Vietnam?”

“I was there for a month on vacation. Klaus showed up about a week into the trip. I was staying at a hostel near the A Sầu Valley with some friends I was travelling with. They went out to a bar but I didn’t want to go. Instead, I went for a walk outside, in the moonlight. And then, Klaus found me…” Diego is once again surprised by Dave’s romantic nature, the seemingly endless amount of affection he holds for Klaus in his eyes and tone, and how much adoration he- “trying to eat moss.”

“...What?”

“He found me trying to eat moss. I read that some were edible and it looked cool so I wanted to give it a go.” Dave laughs a bit to himself. “And then I just pulled him around the country with me and my buds. And then it was time to go home to Palo Alto, but the thought of leaving without Klaus made me want to die. So I called my landlord, got my sisters to pack up all my stuff and ship it, quit my job, and came back with Klaus.”

Diego stops at a light and uses the opportunity to stare at Dave. “... you moved across country… to be with Klaus… after three weeks of knowing him?”

“Would’ve done it after one week, but we both wanted to see Ha Long Bay.”

Diego is stunned into silence for the remainder of the drive. When he pulls up to Dave’s apartment building, he sees him struggling with the seatbelt, so Diego figures he’ll need to help him get to his apartment.

There’s a few minutes of struggle to get Dave out of the car and into an elevator. He stumbles the whole way. They get to his door, and on principle, Diego refuses to rifle through his brother’s boyfriend’s pockets to find keys. He knocks on the door.

After a few seconds, a sleepy looking Klaus opens the door. His hair is longer than the last time Diego saw him, and he’s wearing a hoodie that Diego is pretty sure belongs to Dave.

“Babe!” Dave croons, throwing himself at Klaus, “I missed you so much!”

“Aw, I missed you too, sweetie-pie,” Klaus replies, grinning wide as he presses a kiss to the side of Dave’s head. “Hey, Diego? What are you doing here?”

“Ran into him,” Diego says, staring as Dave seems to try to burrow into Klaus’s neck. “He was pretty wasted so I gave him a ride home.”

“Oh, thanks, bro!” Klaus wraps his arms tighter around Dave.

“No problem,” Diego pauses for a second. “He told me how you guys met.”

“Oh, in ‘Nam?”

“Yeah. When did you go to Vietnam?”

“Like, eight months ago.” Klaus shrugs and pets Dave’s hair, ignoring his brother’s shocked expression. “I think I got to get my darling dearest to bed. See you at brunch next week, Diego.”

“Yeah, goodnight.” Diego mumbles, as Klaus closes the door. Even after the lock clicks, he can hear his brother laughing and Dave stumbling around.

For the first time since he met Dave, Diego thinks, _Maybe he is perfect for Klaus_.

 

_++1: Everyone_

 

“Okay, so don’t be mad, but Dave and I got married on 4/20, so that our fiftieth anniversary would be 4/20/69, and I know that none of you were invited, but don’t worry: we’re going to throw a party soon to celebrate!” Klaus says as he and Dave walk into the mansion on Brunch Day.

Everyone stares at the grinning couple, both of them almost vibrating with excitement.

“You got married on 4/20?” Five asks, in disbelief.

“It was my idea!” Dave almost shouts, voice filled with pride.

“Yeah, it was, baby!” Klaus raises his hand for a high five, which Dave enthusiastically returns.

And _yeah_ , everyone thinks, _maybe they do make sense together._

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank u again jordo u gay bitch ur keeping me alive

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Dumb Luck](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21526540) by [Becca_Hay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Becca_Hay/pseuds/Becca_Hay)




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